“No amount of success outside the home will make up for failure inside the home.”  -anonymous

There are few things in this life that will tear us apart more than broken relationships inside of a family.  It most likely will produce deep emotional pain.  The reverse is also true.  Solid, life-giving family relationships breath life into these bodies and give us a profound sense of belonging, security, and well being.  It is worth investing the time NOW….TODAY….to strengthen the knot of family ties.  Here are 5 ways to do that:

#1. Play Together and Stay Together 

#2. Go Outside!

#3. Create Mini-Traditions

#4. Do Everything in Love

#5. Build Trust

 

The other day a friend recited a quote that her father-in-law often repeats, “Trust takes a lifetime to build and a moment to lose.”  Do you agree?    What exactly is trust anyway, and how do we build it?

Webster’s definition helps to clarify:  reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.  

“Reliance on INTEGRITY…STRENGTH…SURETY.”  All of these words have the undertone of  rock-solid character.  Allow me to make this leap.  Without  the component of trust, it is impossible to fully develop a relationship because of a lack of safety.  It is the foundation, and it’s strength will determine the quality of that relationship.

I read a story one time about a son who was caught in the upper bedroom of a home, surrounded by flames.  With no way down the burning stairs, his only choice was to jump from the window into his father’s arms who waited below.  He wouldn’t jump.  He wouldn’t jump!  Not trusting his father enough to take the leap, he died that day.

The question begs, would my children, spouse, family members, and friends jump?  What am I doing to build trust into every relationship I have?  Here are some main tenants of trust building:

Use this chart to do some evaluation.  If you find you are too often going to your spouse over negative behavior with a child, go to that child directly and have a gentle conversation.  If someone asks you to not share something, then don’t, and tell that person if you’ve broken that trust.   Consider putting aside your own needs, and ask someone else if you can do something to help.  These are just a few examples of how trust is built brick upon brick.

Don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t been doing these well.  We all make mistakes – I know I need fresh starts all of the time.  Just get honest, and move forward.  Today is a great day to start over!

Healthy families trust one another  and work at earning each other’s confidence.  What would you add to this list?  What is the most important element of trust to YOU?

This song has been stopping me in my tracks lately– especially the part at the end where the singer reads 1 Corinthians 13.   Years back I volunteered in a soup kitchen located under a downtown overpass.  As I poured hot coffee into styrofoam cups, the woman who ran the ministry began scolding me for how I was distributing coffee.  I watched her criticize, find fault, and speak harshly to everyone who was helping feed the homeless that day.  She reminded me of the “gong” or “rusty gate” that this verse speaks of — simply noise….in Jesus name.  The irony was astounding.  She was “serving God” all the while wearing bitterness and a hard heart like a badge.  They don’t go together.  Not when God is the source of love.  Not when that is the very thing He asks of us.The Message translation of 1 Corinthians puts it this way:

   Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

For those of you who grew up in the 80′s, I don’t have to explain tennis shoe roller skates, nor the sheer awesomeness of their roller power.  One glorious Christmas morning, my eyes locked on a shiny new pair, complete with white racer stripes and bright yellow wheels.  What more could a feathered bang girl, hair-sprayed perfectly into place, ask for?  These opened up a whole new world in my grandparent’s basement.

There were many Saturday nights spent rolling around with my brother, sister, and twin cousins.  Luckily for us, much of this part of the house was still unfinished cement, so it allowed for rink-like conditions.

When we got hungry, we’d make our way upstairs and have dinner.  After mashed potatoes and ham, we’d line up our sleeping bags in front of the TV.

We’d take in the talented skills of Julie McCoy, cruise director of The Love Boat, and the fascinating, mysterious happenings of Fantasy Island, “da plane, da plane!”  I fully realize that the quality of our television programming could have been better, and that it may have even been a bit inappropriate, but I honestly don’t remember the content at all.  What I do remember is that those Saturday nights meant something.

We weren’t doing anything particularly special, but that small tradition gave me security, family roots, and a sense of belonging in the world.  Who knew tennis shoe roller skates and The Love Boat could do all that?

They help spin a web of inter-connectedness in families and offer a valuable sense of identity.

They become a part of how that particular group is defined.  For example, one of our weekly traditions is Thursday night family night.  Sometimes it is a fabulous night full of leaning, conversation, fun games, and good food.  Other times it totally flops and it seems that we can hardly get the conversation going.  Either way, we do it week after week.  My kids will probably not remember the lessons as much as the fact that it is a part of being a Gilbert   It is what we do, and it communicates what we value.   We often think traditions need to be big, organized occasions.  Those have a place for sure, but really, sometimes it is the small ones that we do consistency that mean the most.  And because they are smaller and more do-able, we often are more likely to stick to them.

Here are some mini traditions we have done, some that I plan on doing this year, and some that friends have incorporated into their families:

*BLT sandwiches after church on Sundays

*Sunday Sundaes

*Friday night pizza and pop night

*Saturday night at the movies and popcorn (at home)

*Campfire & S’more night

*Saturday morning breakfast in bed (0r on birthdays)

*Hour of Power (saturday morning clean up after cartoons)

*Saturday Morning Pancakes

*Sunday morning hog & jog (a morning run followed by breakfast out)

*Full Moon Madness (stay up late and have special drinks on a full moon)

*Talent show tuesday (kids perform skits, talents, show -n- tells, etc.)

*Fireside Chat (read a classic novel to the family by the fire, or pick a topic of conversation or current event and discuss)

*Sunday Evening Sabbath (light a candle, pass around bread and salt – Jesus is the bread of life, we are the salt of the earth, do a small object lesson, sing)

*Wing Stop Wednesday or Tuesday Tacos:  One on one dates bi-weekly or weekly

*Fun Friday after school activity

*Tea time (or coffee)

*Donuts with Dad

*Monday Muffins

*Hot chocolate & chocolate date after skiing (or sledding)

*Hike & hamburgers (after exploring, go eat at a local hamburger favorite)

*Friday night fights (ultimate frisbee, football, soccer, golf, capture the flag, or baseball games)

*Pop & Poker Night

*Flip flop lemon drop picnics (homemade lemonade, blankets on the front lawn, flip flops, lemon drop candy)

*Dance party (pick a couple of new tunes, then dance after clean up)

Let these ideas inspire you to try a new mini tradition in your family! 

 

 

 

 

 

Many of us have fond memories of childhoods spent riding bikes, playing Kick the Can, and swimming all day in the river.  The days were long in the great outdoors, and the time unscheduled.  Contrast that to now.  Our busy schedules don’t allow for much time to explore.  Kids spend time roaming virtual worlds instead of the woods.  And all the while, experts are waving red flags with statistics that argue we must get kids unplugged and back to nature.  As it turns out, mom’s advice to “go outside and play” was pretty darn good.

Child advocacy expert Richard Louv, author of the book Last Child in the Woods, has coined the term “nature-deficit disorder” to describe the lack of nature in the lives of children today. The phenomenon Louv has identified is often associated with many of today’s troubling childhood trends, including obesity, attention disorders and depression.

Not only is being in nature good for kids’ mental and physical health, it’s also a don’t-miss opportunity for families to bond.  When we explore, adventure, and learn together, the strands of unity are woven tightly.  Not only is being in nature itself good, but we ourselves unplug, which, as it turns out, is just as healthy for us as our kids.  We focus on our relationships, and that very attention makes others’ feel cared for and loved, therefore strengthening our unity.

 If you aren’t by nature a lover of the great outdoors, you may need to push yourself here.  Trust me on this one.  Something happens out there.  The fresh air, the mountains, the trees, the QUIET, it all feeds the soul in a powerful way.  Add a little adventure to that and it’s a recipe for success.

Kids thrive on adventure.  They absolutely eat it up.  And did you know studies show that being skilled in the outdoors builds their confidence too?  I see that in my own kids….and in me.  I once belayed myself from one side of a roaring river to the other with a 60lb. pack on my back.  Did that build my confidence?  OH YA.  If I could do that, what else could I do?  It’s this kind of thought process that instills strength.

Learning something new is another great way to tie knots of togetherness.  I once read a book that said that bribing kids to learn a new skill (not attitude) is sometimes helpful and OK.  For example, if your child is scared of heights, and you want to take her rappelling, then you would offer some kind of motivational reward to help her get past that hurdle.  Once she does with the extra incentive, she now knows she can do it, she conquers a fear, and the reward is no longer necessary.  Just food for thought if you have a child whose fear is keeping her from trying new things.  On the flip side, maybe YOU are afraid to try something.  Let your kids in on that.  Give them the opportunity to encourage you and help you overcome your fear… and thank them later!

Teach your children.  Chances are there is a parent or grandparent who has some skill and can offer some great outdoor education.  Passing these life skills along is as important as developing their math skills (I guess that can be argued, but I’ll argue it)!

Find something you simply enjoy doing.   Up until this year I could beat my kids on skis down the mountain.  We love to race!  My kids like leaving me in their snow dust now.   Have you ever cut up fresh tracks on a powder day together? Heaven!  Skiing together is my absolute favorite.

My husband loves to golf and has taught the kids.  He often spends one on one time on the course.  They like playing to win the prized orange ball each hole, and he gets to do something he enjoys with his favorites.   It’s a win-win.

This song by Trace Adkins drives home the point I’m trying to make:

 Connecting in the outdoors is a great way to build family unity.  Make a list of 3 things you want to do outside with your kids this summer, set the dates, and…

“Families that play together stay together!”

For my husband’s birthday, I had both his family and mine over for a Hawaiian themed party.  Creating teams, I divided everyone up and then ran them through a series of games where they competed against each other.  It was a blast and we are were laughing the entire time, especially when my Dad had to hula hoop his way through the obstacle course.  Sure, the food and decorations are a huge part of a party, but what people remember most about any gathering is how they feel when they are there, and if memories are made.  The games definitely provide a way for both to happen.  I love seeing the grandparents on the same team as the kids.  And who doesn’t love some friendly competition, or some really heated competition — it brings out the fun or crazy in all of us!

Playing together is one of the best ways to build family unity.

Why?  Because it meets kids where they are at.

Think about it.  What do kids do when they get together with one another?  They play.  That is how they connect.

Adults can be too serious, and somewhere along the way, we’ve had the play beat right out of us.  It’s time to change all that.  Play doesn’t have to be difficult.  Set up a few cones, grab a ball, a couple of kids, and get after it!  You can plan a party with lots of family or friends, or just do it right NOW:  you + your kids.  {Oh, and kids love little fun prizes.  Gum, ice cream cones, a dollar store paddle, or just $.50 cents will do!}  I guarantee you will feel more connected with your family after a few rounds of sack races!

Here is what I did at our party:

Team Cheer:  We started the night with the teams each coming up with a chant.  There were no parameters, other than it needed to relate to Hawaii in some way since that was our theme.  Coconuts made one of the team chants (need I say more?)

Game #1:  Tug-O-War

As I mentioned, my mom really shined in this one.  Doesn’t she look fierce in that skirt with those tennis shoes?

Game #2:  The Balloon Walk

The name of the game here is to get around the cone and back to your team before the others.  Give the balloon to the next person and repeat until everyone has gone.

And in some cases, hidden talents never before seen are revealed, making the game especially exciting!

Game #3:  The Hula Relay

OK, so not such a great picture since my Dad is cheating (ahem). This one requires every team member to hula hoop to a cone as a part of a relay.

Then he must grab a basketball, shoot 2 hoops, then race back.  Not so complicated, but how long has it been since you’ve hula hooped?  { Exactly.}

Game #4:  The Sack Race

An oldie but a goody, the sack race is a sure thing for all ages.

Especially when there are cousins involved.  Look at the poor souls on the ground and the sheer glee in my nephew’s face…

Game #5 (and my all time favorite):  The Pie Eating Contest

This one can be done several ways.  One person can eat the whole pie.  Several people can take turns eating the pie (1 minute each).  Or, several pies can be served and three people eat one each.

Disclaimer:  If you have a son who is really, really, really serious about winning eating contests (see above), then I am in no way am responsible for him suffocating in the pie.  Consider yourself warned!

This event is best done outside, as it is almost a guarantee that people will be shoving pie in others’ faces after the game is over.

What do you do to play with your family?